Guilty of Pleasure
by LAByrinith
Summary: Sol Badguy makes a mistake in causing trouble for the assassins, as they already have enough to deal with, such as an annoying Forbidden Beast. After all, just because Zato is blind doesn't mean he's harmless. Rated T for language and suggestive themes.
1. Coffee Shop and Drunkard

_Note: It's been over a year since I submitted anything, and since I like this fan fic (what I have of it so far) I think I should present it. This fiction was, interestingly enough, based on a very... smutty fic that I attempted once. Not entirely being pleased with it, I changed a few scenes and threw in a few witty descriptions to turn it into a comedy. This work has a bit of ZatoxVenom (meaning that I make them a couple), but it will never get very graphic (though there are some amusing innuendoes). It should be a good read for those of you who don't even like boyxboy content. I should warn Sol fans though, this story makes him appear to be the antagonist. In other words, it's anti-Sol. Also, this fic takes place before Zato's death, so I don't want any complaints about his being alive and in control of his power. I've also written it so that Zato and Eddie are two different characters, because that is how I've always seen it. Eddie is out of character somewhat, but you can still identify him as being that cruel little spirit that he is. You might have questions about some of the things mentioned in the story, so feel free to e-mail me if that is the case._

_Comment if you read it so that I know to continue._

Chapter 1: Coffee Shop and Drunkard

It was a cool autumn afternoon, and Zato-1 made his way down that street. It wasn't a very interesting street, really, what with at least three coffee shops along the same block and the occasional street lamp, and it wasn't as though Zato knew the difference between one street and the next. It's not as though he could see or anything behind that crimson strap over his eyes. There was, however, some relief from his blindness, and that was his shadow, Eddie. Despite the all but sinister name of the dark, demonic spirit, Zato completely respected it as a weapon and trusted it to see what was around him and direct his movement. The shadowy creature sat upon his right shoulder and spoke into his ear with a small, crackling voice that may have been what a squirrel would have sounded like had it learned to speak the language of humans.

"You're good, keep going. Yup, you're good," the little shadow repeated with a nod every so many steps. Zato went on his way, saying nothing but listening to Eddie's words.

"You're good... you're good... keep going... you're goo--" _WHAM! _

Eddie's words were cut off by three noises. The first was the bang of something hard- like bone- running into metal, the second was the crash of the previously mentioned hard something falling onto the concrete sidewalk, and the third was Zato screaming in pain and spewing swears at Eddie under (and occasionally over) his breath.

"Aaagh! Damn it, Eddie!" he hissed as the shadow chuckled like some kind of insane hyena. Zato held one hand over the red mark on his forehead and the other one against the ground to support him as he sat up from the area of collision.  
"I'm sorry, Boss!" Eddie gasped between laughs, "It jumped right out in front of you!"  
"Was that a freaking street sign?!"  
"It said STOP, boss!"  
"Damn it!"  
"All right, all right, I'm sorry. Is your face all right?"  
"It's my freaking ass that's bothering me."  
"Oh yeah, asses don't like falling onto concrete," Eddie said, restraining more laughter. Zato was certainly in no mood for such dark humor, and went to grab Eddie's neck when he heard a sweet, familiar voice from in front.  
"Oh, hello Zato. Fancy meeting you here. Are you all right?"  
"Venom?"  
"Yes," the white-haired man replied, holding out a gloved hand to help Zato up.  
Zato gratefully accepted the offer, Eddie still observing from his shoulder with those beady red eyes of his.  
"Where are you off to, may I ask?" Zato questioned of his friend.  
"Coffee shop. I heard there was one around here somewhere."  
"Yeah I think there is."  
"Would you care to come with?"  
"Maybe later," Zato answered with an annoyed tone, "I have an ass to heal."  
Venom giggled at the statement, "All right then, I'll see you later."

With that, Venom drifted past Zato and made his way to the first coffee shop on the block, and then the second because it seemed to be slightly more appealing than the first. Zato remained perfectly still in his spot, Eddie looking at him expectantly.

Finally the blond one spoke.

"I hate you, Eddie."  
"You know, he was totally checking you out while you were talking to him."  
"Shut up."  
"Oh, come on, you're not the kind of guy to get this upset about walking into a stop sign."  
"It wouldn't have happened if you had actually warned me about it in the first place. But no, you thought it would be funny to see me walk into it and fall on my ass!"  
To this, Eddie cackled uncontrollably.  
"Oh screw you," Zato sighed as he continued down the sidewalk.

And so it went on like this, Eddie babbling over his master's shoulder, barely keeping him out of trouble as they passed more coffee shops and street lamps, and once more Zato wondered to himself if it was worth it. After all, why would any man in his right mind exchange his vision for an annoying little shadow that leaves you with headaches and pain in the posterior just from walking down a random, unimportant coffee street?

...Because it's freaking awesome, that's why.

- - -

Venom was surprised, to say the least. Not only did the coffee shop have coffee, but it also contained shelves full of books, chess boards at every table, and pool tables set up wherever else they could fit and still allow room for the customers to squeeze through. Not to mention the classy variation of "Liquor Bar and Drunkard" playing from the overhead speakers. All they needed now was a poster that said "I heart Zato-One," Venom thought. There was no way he could get bored here. It was perfect. Too perfect.

"I must say, they sure do know how to keep in their customers," Venom said to himself as he approached the counter to order a cup of caffinated goodness, "and I don't even like coffee!"

Once situated with his drink, Venom had the task of finding a table at which to sit. Most of them were full of random people, but there was one spot that had a vacant seat across from another customer. Venom didn't really pay much attention to him at first, and didn't feel like distracting him from looking out the window as though something dramatic were going on outside. Venom merely approached the man and asked, "Pardon me, sir, may I sit he-- ...Axl? Axl Low?"

The customer looked up slowly and met eyes with Venom. It was indeed Axl, that freaking twentieth-century pain-in-the-ass-to-fight Englishman. He sat there with his coffee in hand, clasping it tightly enough to feel the heat burning into his palm.

"Oh. Venom. Yeah you can sit here. I don't care" he said with that English accent of his.  
"Thank y--"  
"Besides, you'll _want_ to be sitting after I kick your ass over at one of those pool tables."  
Venom was half-sitting when Axl added that, and stopped where he was to glare at him.  
"I'm terribly sorry, but are you challenging me?" Venom asked politely.  
"I'm just saying that you're going to get owned is all."  
"I think not, Axl!" Venom snapped, slamming his drink onto the table and spilling a good part of it onto the chess board in the center.

Axl smiled evilly and took a swig of his own coffee, forgetting about the intense heat of it and holding back tears of pain as it slid like magma down his 20th-century throat.

"I am going to own you so hard that you'll never want to step one foot into this coffee shop ever again with all the embarrassment you'll be facing, punk!" Axl squeaked through the pain.  
Venom was about to respond with a witty comeback, but, upon thinking about what Axl just said, his expression changed entirely.  
"Th... that doesn't really bother me, actually," he began, "there are like, ten more coffee shops down the--"  
"Silence!" Axl demanded, pulling a sleek, wooden cue out of nowhere and holding the tip between Venom's eyes.  
"Uh... hey Axl are you sure that that's coffee you've been drinking there?" Venom asked as he glanced cross-eyed at the stick.  
"Well yeah, what did you think it was, Gayfuel?"  
"What?"  
"...Never mind."  
"Okay"

"You wanna...?"  
"Yeah sure Axl, let me get my stuff."  
"Okay, Venom, meet me over there."

Axl selected a pool table in the center of the room and waited impatiently as Venom delicately adjusted his cue for maximum effectiveness. With a sigh of boredom, Axl looked over the triangle of colorful, polished spheres and the little numbers printed in black on their faces. He ran his hand along the velvety, emerald-green surface of the table and examined an old, dark coffee stain with a blank stare until Venom finally showed up.

"It's about time!" Axl exclaimed, taking another gulp of coffee and wincing from the burning of the liquid a second time. After a painful cough, he glared at Venom and said, "Well? Go on and hit the blasted thing!"

Venom said not a word, but crossed his legs and bowed elegantly in response before turning to face the table and previously-mentioned blasted thing. He bent over slowly, eyeing the cue ball with the concentration of a sniper, and carefully adjusted the angle of his stick. Nothing could break his concentration while he was in this mode. Nothing. Not even the knowledge that Axl was directly behind him staring dreamily at his leather-clad buttocks. When he felt everything was perfect, Venom struck the cue ball with such precision that he gave a dark smile as it contacted the other balls in a clatter.  
He was so satisfied with his shot that he completely forgot about everything else, including the fact that Axl was there so close behind him. Therefore, when he swung his cue back behind him, it hit so hard against the Englishman's head that poor Axl collapsed to the floor and stopped moving. Venom looked down at him for a moment and, without knowing what else to do, stood up in a victory that he had done so many other times upon knocking out an opponent while letting out a harsh sigh of breath.  
Suddenly the door of the coffee shop opened so harshly that it collided with a customer standing behind it, who gasped as coffee splashed out of his cup and landed all over him. Venom looked over his shoulder to watch as Zato-1 pranced in with an obviously lifted ego. Zato bowed to the shopkeeper and continued to the center of the room where Venom was, stopping only once he heard a crunch beneath his feet and paused to kick aside Axl's body.

"Good afternoon, Venom," he said with a smile. Venom dared not ask what he was so happy about, but he assumed that it had to do with Eddie not being present.

"Ah... yes, good day to you Zato."  
"Haha, your kindness is adorable!"  
Venom lifted an eyebrow in confusion and wondered if Zato had been drinking the same "coffee" that Axl had had.  
Before either of them could speak again, their silence was interrupted by the voice of yet another familiar individual.

"Why don't ya get a room or something, ya freaking queers!?"

Both Venom and Zato turned there heads to where the voice had come from, which ended up being where Sol Badguy sat in the near corner of the shop. He smirked at them and glared from behind the shadow over his face that was created by the thick, red headband with the words "Rock You" engraved in small yet visible letters in the center. His sword sat across his lap and he lay one of his hands upon the blade. The other hand he used to flip off Venom and Zato in a blatant sign of disrespect. Or maybe he just wanted to cause trouble out of boredom. You know, because badass people do that.

"We haven't... really done anything gay, Sol," Venom said calmly.  
"Well Zato dresses like a friggin' stripper, and you come in here playing billiards with some English dork."  
Seeing as Sol had a point about Zato, Venom ignored that statement and went on with the second part, "Well technically, sir, it was pool that we were playing, but what, may I ask, is so gay about billiards?"  
"Well obviously, you play it with your sticks and those balls. If that isn't the gayest idea of a sport I've ever seen--"  
"It's called a cue, you jerk!"  
"I call it gay."  
"Don't make me come over there and shove this up your ass!" Venom growled with rapidly decreasing politeness as he tightened his grip on his cue.  
"Ooh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" Sol asked mockingly, standing up from his seat to prepare for a fight. He gently laid his sword down on the chair and cracked his knuckles noisily.

Finally, Zato found the right words to say in the situation.

"So tell me, Sol, are your pants free or are you just a very generous whore?" he asked, gesturing to the plate on Sol's belt that read "FREE."

By this time, Sol Badguy had completely lost it.

"You!" he spat, pointing at Zato, "Get your gay ass over here so I can destroy it! And you!" Sol continued, now pointing at Venom, "Just try to shove that cue or whatever the hell you called it into me! And ya know what?" he growled with a gesture to the shopkeeper who was, along with the other customers, staring stunned and silent at the scene that had erupted, "We need some badass music in here! I wanna hear some freaking Queen!" For a moment, Sol paused from his rant to take a breath while the shop owner turned off the classy crap and did as Sol ordered of him.  
Finally, Mr. Badguy continued, "Now someone knock something over and let's rock this place!"

And, as though Sol's words were able to create some sort of miracle, Axl awoke with a battle cry and overturned the pool table in a single thrust, spilling all of the balls noisily across the floor.

"Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about!"


	2. We Will Rock You

Chapter 2: We Will Rock You

Venom took advantage of Sol's being distracted by Queen's lyrics to dash forward in a quick, elegant movement while twirling his cue and sinisterly announcing the name of his attack: "Double Head Morbid!" Although Sol blocked the strike thanks to his quick reflexes, the rod smacked painfully against his arms, nearly burning the skin off from the speed at which the weapon twirled. Meanwhile, Zato observed the fight from afar thanks to none other than Eddie, who seemed to have come out of nowhere to appear once again upon Zato's shoulder. He recited the events to his master as he saw them, beginning with the attack that Venom had just comitted.

"Hahaha, he just gave Sol head!" Eddie cackled.  
"E-Eddie?"  
"Hi Zato."  
"I told you to stay back at the house!" Zato snapped, ignoring the fight just as Sol grabbed Venom by the collar and promptly bashed his forehead into his face, the words "Rock You" from the headband coming off in a distorted design imprinted upon Venom's visage  
"Your house is fine," continued Eddie, tapping Zato between the eyes with a black tallon, "and besides, remember our little pact? ...Oh look, Sol just gave _Venom_ head!" he added as Venom dropped to the floor after the attack knocked him unconscious. Zato gasped and dashed over to Venom, who lay on his back with a dazed expression, drool hanging from the corner of his mouth.  
"You want some too, punk?" Sol asked menacingly, looking down at Zato.  
"Wh- NO!" Zato growled as though offended, "You could have killed him just now!"  
"Uh... yeah?"  
"We're in a damn COFFEE SHOP!"  
But Sol ignored him and began mouthing "We will rock you" as the music blasted through the speakers.  
"I'm out of here." Zato muttered as he lifted Venom's body.  
"Hey, you can't go before I'm finished with you!" Sol growled, reaching back for his blade.

Zato stood there facing him for a second while Axl made a motion to take another gulp of smouldering coffee. Zato then nodded to Eddie, who instantly took the form of an enormous clawed hand and grabbed said coffee from said Englishman, throwing the liquid onto Fredrick in a wave of dark, burning, caffinated goodness. In understandable response, Sol gasped and wimpered quietly as the searing coffee dripped down his chest and legs, staining his lovely, multi-belted pants. He looked at Zato, and then at Axl, who had just recived an empty coffee cup from Eddie. The blond shadow master casually turned and kicked aside some stray pool balls as he exited the shop, leaving Sol and Axl to work out any unsolved problems by themselves.

When Venom regained his senses, he had difficulty remembering exactly what had just happened. He knew it had to do with Sol, and he knew that it had to do with getting hurt badly, as his skull ached and his tailbone felt like it had shattered after coming into contact with something hard. And, for one reason or another, a song by Queen was stuck in his head. He found himself on Zato's bed, but with its owner nowhere in sight. Venom sat up and looked around for a moment as he rubbed his bruised neck with a hand, surprised to find that his gloves (as well as 90 percent of the rest of his clothing) had been removed while he had been unconscious. This only led to further confusion and speculation. As he thought about a few possibilities, his eye twitched and his stomach became uneasy. Just then, Zato silently slipped into the room via puddle of shadows. Venom sighed with relief, sure that this man would be able to explain the situation to him.

"Oh, you're awake, Venom," Zato said as his body materialized into the familiar human shape, "How are you feeling?"  
"I'm pretty sore right now actually..."  
"Well it did just happen a few hours ago," Zato said with a nod.  
"Um... what went on in there, exactly?"  
Zato was silent for a moment as he gathered his thoughts and prepared them into descriptive, poetic sentences.  
"After blocking your attack, Sol appeared to take advantage of your position to take hold of you and bang into you quite violently. Then you passed out of consciousness. As Eddie put it, 'he totally rocked you hard.'"  
Venom sat there, his mouth agape in horror as he took in the words. Zato then began to mumble to himself, not seeming to realize his friend's shock.  
"You were badly bruised on your backside, but I suppose that's to be expected. You did hit it pretty hard," Zato went on in retrospect of how Venom fell onto the floor.  
"N... Nani?!" Venom finally exclaimed in Japanese after remaining in a state of silent emotional disturbance.  
"Don't worry Venom, I taught him a lesson. Well, since I was holding you I just had Eddie grab Axl's hot co--"  
"Oh god!" Venom wailed, almost in tears.  
Zato was about to question Venom's understanding of the situation, but suddenly a sinister chuckle broke the air, and a dark, familiar voice was overheard on the other side of the room. However, it was not quite as intimidating as either of the young men remembered. In fact, it sounded rather... drunk.  
"Oh man... oh man... Scream that again, but a little louder, a little longer, and say 'Testie' when you do it."  
Turning their heads, Venom and Zato faced the pallid figure of Testament, who was supporting himself weakly against his scythe. His long, jet black skirt lay open against his leg, the fabric spreading lazily in no attempt to cover the matching underwear he wore beneath. Even Zato in all his blindness couldn't help but notice it.  
"When... when did you get here?" Venom asked.  
"Damn it, Testament, get out of my house!" Zato growled.  
Testament chuckled again, his distorted voice mumbling incoherent things, and Zato caught the sweet scent of something alcoholic. In reaction, he gasped and lept forward.  
"You've been drinking my wine!" he hissed into Testament's face.  
"Just a lil' bit..."  
Zato snarled, his teeth bared like a wild dog. Mumbling over his shoulder at Eddie, he said, "If you stayed at the house like I told you to, this wouldn't have happened."  
Eddie shrugged, and Zato's attention returned to Testament. "What the hell do you want?"  
Testament hiccupped, his usually pallid face glowing rose-pink. When he spoke, his voice was nearly inaudible.  
"I want _you,_ Zatoichi..." he wispered seductively, taking Zato's hand in both of his.  
Offended by this gesture, Venom's navy-blue eyes slanted.  
"You leave him alone, Testament!" the assassin cried, jumping out of the bed and rolling a polished cue ball into his palm from out of nowhere.

Testament barely had enough time to direct his half-shut, ruby eyes towards Venom before the white sphere struck between them. With a yelp, he released Zato's hand and covered the fresh, indigo bruise on his face with his thin hand. Mumbling swears, he stumbled past where Zato stood and staggered to Venom with his semitransparent, blood-scythe raised. Of course, thanks to his drunkeness, the weapon made him feel top-heavy, and he easily tripped forward over his own skirt. Venom managed to catch him, but then realized who he was holding and let the limp body slump to the floor, unconscious. He looked up at Zato through his platinum-white hair and was surprised to see him with a frown.

"Is... something the matter, Zato?"  
"Hell yes" Zato said with a mealancholy tone, "My wine isn't that alcoholic. He must have imbibed more than half of it. _It was some good quality, too.._"  
Venom smiled compassionately, but found it somewhat amusing that Zato should be hurt by something like that.  
"Anyway, what are we going to do about our white Gear here?" Venom asked, gesturing to the zombie-like mass on the floor.  
Zato bit his lip, facing Venom.  
"I kind of want to kill him, unless you had any other ideas."  
Venom stared down at Testament's elegant, ebony hair that fell over his shoulders like spilt ink. He didn't particularly like the Gear either, but he seemed much more harmless and less intimidating on the floor. Plus, Venom disliked the shedding of blood (ironically enough for an assassin).  
"I think we should... um... keep him here. Just until he's sober. Then we can question him and maybe get some compensation for the stolen drinks." He tried to say it with the least affectionate words he could think of, but it still came out as a request for sympathy. To his surprise, Zato was not displeased with it. In fact, a smile appeared on the blind man's lips, and Venom couldn't restrain himself from returning the expression. Suddenly though, a thought came to Venom's mind and his beam faded.  
"Wait... doesn't Testament have a--" His question was answered in mid-sentence as a red-eyed raven flew into the bedroom window with a loud "thunk!" He blinked twice, but dared not look in the direction of the sound. Instead, he ignored it and acted as though he had not even begun to ask anything.  
"I'll get the chains." Zato mumbled, also sharing Venom's blank expression.  
"Righto then." Venom replied, gathering up Testament's cold, surprisingly light body.


End file.
